"I'm not pregnant - I'm just fat."

On March 31st of last year I went to a new nail salon for the first time. The lady sat me back in a massage chair and placed her hand on my belly, "Is it a girl?"

"No," I said. "I'm not pregnant - I'm just fat."

~*~*~*

In my mind I've slowly been gaining weight every year, each year the heaviest I've ever been, but according to MyFitnessPal I have weighed myself almost daily since December 29, 2014 and:

12/29/2014 166.5 lbs

12/30/2015 163.4

12/30/2016 161.9

12/30/2017 179.3

12/30/2018 180.8

12/22/2019 184.5

I'd actually been gradually losing weight annually until 2017, which was when I got a car and stopped walking everywhere. I also started eating out more now that that was an option. I gained nearly twenty pounds that year, and am just now realizing that!

~*~*~*

Normally when I'm feeling fat I try a new diet for a few months, lose a few pounds and feel better about myself, and then fall right off. After the nail salon incident I wanted to do things differently. I didn't look up any new diets. I didn't enjoin my ladies' group to do a fitness challenge with me. I took up yoga, and paid attention to how I ate and why.

I eat out a lot, and eat a lot of food when I do. I remember at what one point feeling like being on a bender: I just had to taste and try everything until I couldn't anymore, heedlessly, with no regard to whether or not I was full or how much it cost, the overriding thought being that I was eating like I was trying to kill myself. I never went to a doctor, but after some weeks of nothing but fried chicken or barbecue I would feel fatigued and have palpitations. I'd lay off the rich foods for a while and eat half a grapefruit every day to feel better.

Yoga emphasizes kindness and mindfulness, and I brought that with me dining out, eating not in defiance or to disgust. I ate out because I needed to, because I was curious about places, and with gratitude that I have the time and car and wherewithal to do so. 

I was never really 170 lbs. In one year I went from 160 to 180. I'm hopeful I can also get back to 160 from 180 in a year.